Four letter words

My Modern British Fiction class is going really well. I was terrified of it at the beginning of the semester. I contemplated dropping it, but decided not to because I thought it would be good to try something new. I hated Shakespeare for a while, but once I was forced to read a lot of him, I really came to love him. I thought such a thing might happen in this class. I'm so glad I stuck it out because I am getting so much out of this course. Right now we are reading Lawrence's Women In Love. The prof. keeps telling us that modernist writers, through their works, are trying to find something real in a dead society. They try to break away from tradition in their style of writing and through their characters' thoughts and actions. At first, I thought all this business about a "dead society" was silly. I want a very conventionally life for myself. These authors that we are reading want to escape the traditions that I hold so dear and desperately want for myself. I am half way through Women In Love and this notion of creating a new way of being in this world has finally hit me. The whole novel is about forging relationships between men and women. None of the characters want something conventional, but they are not sure what the alternative is. One of the men tells the woman he is courting how he wishes we could get rid of the word "love" for a while because it is so abused. It is just tossed about carelessly. It should be reserved for situations of great meaning. It has become one of those "four letter words." He wishes that the word would be taken away for a while so that people value it for the deep concept that it stands for. Without that word, people would have to express their feelings in a more raw way. They would have to describe them. I completely agree with this. The word "love" has been corrupted. I am guilty of adding to this corruption. It is part of every day life to say "Oh, I love ice cream, or peanut butter, or sweat pants," but that use of the word is an abuse to the concept it represents. I would not equate sweatpants to a person whom I love. I want to try to get out of this habit, and put meaning back into this horribly abused word. I don't want it to be one of those "four letter words" in my vocabulary. I want the people who I say that word to, to know that when I say it, there is something deep behind it. It is not meaningless noise. I want to throw the word out my vocabulary for a while and see how that goes.
Another word that has turned into a "four letter word" these days, at least in my mind, is "relationship." I can't stand the word! I hate using it in application to any sort of connection I may have with a young man, yet there seems to be no alternative. I don't know what it is about the word that makes me dislike it so much. It's not that I fear being tied down or committed. It may be that the word sounds too "corny" for me. It's like the phrase "making love;" it just makes me want to gag. If I don't have the word relationship, then what do I have? I am someone's girlfriend; therefore, I am in a relationship, but I still would prefer not to call it that. What can I call it? I guess relationship implies some big ordeal to me. It includes roles and rules and expectations. I want to be my partner's equal. I want actions to have meaning rather than just playing a role or adhering to rules or expectations. This does not mean that I want to be able to see other people. I couldn't handle that. There must be an element of exclusivity. I mean that when I do the dishes for my young man, it's because I genuinely want to help him out and make his life easier, not just because I feel that it is my duty since he cooked the meal or since I'm the "girlfriend." I know that there must be rules, roles and expectations, but with the word relationship they sound like commandments that were chiseled into a stone tablet hundreds of years ago and hangs over every "relationship," weighing down the word so it seems impossible to carry. It all seems so formal. Maybe I could say, I am committed to someone. That doesn't sound too bad. That involves me actively making a promise. Maybe that's my thing with the word relationship; it's not active. The word does not include the people, it's an entity by itself. An "institution." Yuck. I don't want to be part of an institution, I just want to love someone in my own way and to make a commitment to him and stick to it day in and day out. A promise is not something to be taken lightly. That word is also abused these days, but I won't get into that. I'm afraid this is starting to sound too fanciful and romantic. I don't mean it to. I like a little bit of romance here and there, but I'm usually the first girl to start rolling my eyes in a chick flick. I don't want to be something I would normally role my eyes at were it someone else, so I will stop now and ponder.

I am getting comfortable in my skin

Lately, I have found that I enjoy being naked. Freshman year I couldn't figure out how I was going to get from the hooks to hang your robe on to the shower without anyone seeing me. I really had no problem walking around naked, but I was trying to be respectful of other people who might find that disturbing. I am not ashamed of my body. This year with the apartment I am free to be naked as long as I know my roommate will not be returning shortly. Nudity bothers her and I respect that. I feel most comfortable wearing undies only, but I've been getting more comfortable with complete nudity. After I mooned a perspective student last year, I was told by one of my sisters to carry on her legacy of nakedness. I fully intend to live up to this. When I shower on the floor I will not worry about being naked as I did Freshman year. If someone is uncomfortable with it, she can look away. Of course if anyone asks me to cover up, I will, but only until she is gone. I hope this trend continues. I like being happy with how I look.