Last one of the year

I think I should do a very original post about what I have learned this year. There is some value in reviewing what you've done and figuring out if you can improve. Most of what I've learned was covered in the top ten list I posted earlier this month so I'll avoid beating a dead horse and let you refer back to that post for the list of things I have learned this year. Moving on, I am very homesick. I miss being lazy in my own house and having all of my stuff. I am excited to go back to school and get everything moved in to the new residence, but I wish I could have a little time at home before then. I'm not sure what I want to do this summer now. I have three options. I could come to SC, I could stay in Cleveland or I could live at home. Right now, living at home is my top choice. In one week it managed to go from the bottom of the list to the top. It will be my last summer vacation for a while so I'm thinking that I'm running out of time to live at home. I'm not ready to move out and if I go to grad school I won't have to, but I really want to spend some time at home. I have a few months to make this decision. Maybe I'll do a little job hunting in Fremont in those months. I definitely need to make it home more this semester. I think I should call my mom. That might curb the homesickness. I'm probably going to ring in the new year while sleeping. About as exciting as last year's new years eve spent in the car with my cousin and his girlfriend. Oh well, I'll be getting paid tonight so I'm happy. This post was weird; I'm in a weird mood. I need to eat.

Beating dead horses

I tend to do that a lot. I like to have too much of a good thing. It's far better to always be wanting more than to have too much. I just need to realize that. I guess that could be some sort of New Year's resolution. I hate horses.

So in the spirit of beating dead horses I am yet again going to entertain you with a post about "relationships" whoooohooooo! So I've decided that when you start dating someone it feels like you're trying to walk across an icy lake with shoes instead of ice skates. It's tricky to keep your balance. You never know when you're going to make a wrong move and slip and fall. It's that feeling of the impending fall that I'm talking about. It's thrilling. You're kind of scared but in a fun way. The way to know when you have evolved from "dating" to a "relationship" is when you feel that the guy you are with has put out his hand to steady you and keep you on your feet.

That may have been corny, but it's just the way I see things. Someday, I want to write a poem expressing that. Please don't steal my idea.

I started this blog one year ago today. Thanks to guy on the plane to Texas who told me I should start a blog.

I'm wide awake, it's morning

I'm up early for work. It's finals week. I can't complain about my finals. I'm getting stuff done as a always do. Thursday I will drive 12 hours to Hilton Head. I am staying with my cousin to babysit his son for all of break. I will only be in Fremont for about 3 days. It will be weird not to be home. I miss my parents a lot, but they will be in Hilton Head for the first week that I am there. I can't wait.
I think it's time for a top ten list. In light of recent events in my life, here is my list:

Top Ten Signs it's time for Christine to End a Relationship (i hate that word!)
10. If the thought of him cheating on her doesn't bother her at all.
9. She awakens in the night hyperventilating only when she sleeps with him.
8.. The only reason she keeps him is because he's hot
7. She can only make out with him when the lights are off (similar to next one)
6. She's not attracted to the guy and never will be
5. She shudders at the though of physical contact
4. She has better conversations with guy she meets at the bar than with him
3. She won't tell her friends what things are like between them because she knows they would tell him to dump him
2. She starts missing/crying over past boyfriends
1. If she has to lower her standards in any way

Now I just have to keep that list in mind and pay attention to it when I start dating again. Who knows when that will be. I'm in no hurry. I love making lists!

Four letter words

My Modern British Fiction class is going really well. I was terrified of it at the beginning of the semester. I contemplated dropping it, but decided not to because I thought it would be good to try something new. I hated Shakespeare for a while, but once I was forced to read a lot of him, I really came to love him. I thought such a thing might happen in this class. I'm so glad I stuck it out because I am getting so much out of this course. Right now we are reading Lawrence's Women In Love. The prof. keeps telling us that modernist writers, through their works, are trying to find something real in a dead society. They try to break away from tradition in their style of writing and through their characters' thoughts and actions. At first, I thought all this business about a "dead society" was silly. I want a very conventionally life for myself. These authors that we are reading want to escape the traditions that I hold so dear and desperately want for myself. I am half way through Women In Love and this notion of creating a new way of being in this world has finally hit me. The whole novel is about forging relationships between men and women. None of the characters want something conventional, but they are not sure what the alternative is. One of the men tells the woman he is courting how he wishes we could get rid of the word "love" for a while because it is so abused. It is just tossed about carelessly. It should be reserved for situations of great meaning. It has become one of those "four letter words." He wishes that the word would be taken away for a while so that people value it for the deep concept that it stands for. Without that word, people would have to express their feelings in a more raw way. They would have to describe them. I completely agree with this. The word "love" has been corrupted. I am guilty of adding to this corruption. It is part of every day life to say "Oh, I love ice cream, or peanut butter, or sweat pants," but that use of the word is an abuse to the concept it represents. I would not equate sweatpants to a person whom I love. I want to try to get out of this habit, and put meaning back into this horribly abused word. I don't want it to be one of those "four letter words" in my vocabulary. I want the people who I say that word to, to know that when I say it, there is something deep behind it. It is not meaningless noise. I want to throw the word out my vocabulary for a while and see how that goes.
Another word that has turned into a "four letter word" these days, at least in my mind, is "relationship." I can't stand the word! I hate using it in application to any sort of connection I may have with a young man, yet there seems to be no alternative. I don't know what it is about the word that makes me dislike it so much. It's not that I fear being tied down or committed. It may be that the word sounds too "corny" for me. It's like the phrase "making love;" it just makes me want to gag. If I don't have the word relationship, then what do I have? I am someone's girlfriend; therefore, I am in a relationship, but I still would prefer not to call it that. What can I call it? I guess relationship implies some big ordeal to me. It includes roles and rules and expectations. I want to be my partner's equal. I want actions to have meaning rather than just playing a role or adhering to rules or expectations. This does not mean that I want to be able to see other people. I couldn't handle that. There must be an element of exclusivity. I mean that when I do the dishes for my young man, it's because I genuinely want to help him out and make his life easier, not just because I feel that it is my duty since he cooked the meal or since I'm the "girlfriend." I know that there must be rules, roles and expectations, but with the word relationship they sound like commandments that were chiseled into a stone tablet hundreds of years ago and hangs over every "relationship," weighing down the word so it seems impossible to carry. It all seems so formal. Maybe I could say, I am committed to someone. That doesn't sound too bad. That involves me actively making a promise. Maybe that's my thing with the word relationship; it's not active. The word does not include the people, it's an entity by itself. An "institution." Yuck. I don't want to be part of an institution, I just want to love someone in my own way and to make a commitment to him and stick to it day in and day out. A promise is not something to be taken lightly. That word is also abused these days, but I won't get into that. I'm afraid this is starting to sound too fanciful and romantic. I don't mean it to. I like a little bit of romance here and there, but I'm usually the first girl to start rolling my eyes in a chick flick. I don't want to be something I would normally role my eyes at were it someone else, so I will stop now and ponder.

I am getting comfortable in my skin

Lately, I have found that I enjoy being naked. Freshman year I couldn't figure out how I was going to get from the hooks to hang your robe on to the shower without anyone seeing me. I really had no problem walking around naked, but I was trying to be respectful of other people who might find that disturbing. I am not ashamed of my body. This year with the apartment I am free to be naked as long as I know my roommate will not be returning shortly. Nudity bothers her and I respect that. I feel most comfortable wearing undies only, but I've been getting more comfortable with complete nudity. After I mooned a perspective student last year, I was told by one of my sisters to carry on her legacy of nakedness. I fully intend to live up to this. When I shower on the floor I will not worry about being naked as I did Freshman year. If someone is uncomfortable with it, she can look away. Of course if anyone asks me to cover up, I will, but only until she is gone. I hope this trend continues. I like being happy with how I look.

A boring post

I hate doing these "newsy" updating posts. I feel like they are so boring so I will try to keep it brief. There is a new boyfriend. I probably won't write about him much because I feel like he probably doesn't want his life to be broadcast on internet and since my life now intersects with his and my life is sometimes posted here, that aspect will mostly be left out. I'm excited about this new prospect, as most people are when they start dating someone new. I never started a blog before because I was dating a guy that was very a private person and I didn't want to run the risk of posting something that he wouldn't want to rest of the world to know since our lives were so interconnected. I am worried about that a little bit now so as I said, I am probably going to avoid that subject all together whenever possible. I met my neighbors across the hall. They are two boys from the conservatory. So far, I really like them a lot! They are tons of fun. I get along with and feel comfortable with both of them and all of their friends, so far. They remind me of the people I was friends with throughout middle school and high school. I enjoy them. I went to their apartment to watch the big football game on Saturday night. I met a lot of really fun people from the Con. I felt very comfortable there, as though I'm not socially awkward. Then last night they invited the roommate and I over to watch a very interesting movie. I worked on a poster project while watching the movie so I didn't get the full effect of it, but I still really enjoyed it. It was one of those movies that makes you take a step back and take a good, hard look at life and the process of growing up. I am so sheltered. As much as I'd like to think I'm not, I truly am. The characters in the movie did and saw things that I have never in my 21 years even thought about. It was scary to think how true to life this movie could be for some kids. By the way the title of the movie is Kids I recommend seeing it, but not when you've been drinking because it will definitely put you in a depressed mood that is tough to get out of due to the intoxication. That reminds me. Last night was my big F-You to AlcoholEDU...something I had to complete for my sorority. I drank while putting together a poster presentation that was due the next morning. I got an A on it so I was satisfied. It's not the kind of thing I'll do again. I just wanted to "stick it to the man" in my own little way. If this had been a serious project that I was worried about, I would have never drank while doing it. That was my brush with alcoholism...drinking on a Monday night while doing homework. At least I wasn't drinking alone. Anyway, enough on that subject. I had dinner with a great friend tonight. I'm glad that I know her. She offers such great perspective on any thing I have going on in my life. She is incredibly sweet and caring. I hope after she graduates this year we can remain in contact. I promised to keep this short so I will end this now.

I am still marginally afraid of Virginia Woolf

I signed on to take Modern British Fiction without really know what "modern" fiction is. Apparently, this genre of fiction includes such authors as James Joyce, D.H. Lawrence and, of course, Virginia Woolf. Over the summer I thought I would try to tackle one of the books for the course to get a little head start. I already owned A Portrait of An Artist As A Young Man by Joyce, so I chose that one. I fell asleep on the second page because I couldn't pay attention to his writing. That's when I knew I was in for trouble. On the first day of class, Teddy frightened me more by telling the class that these novels are written in stream of consciousness style and are sure to challenge. Also, the kid next to me, upon hearing that this was my first 300 level class, told me that I was in for a big surprise with how hard the prof's grade at this level. At the end of my first day of class I thought I was in over my head. The first book we were assigned to read was To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf. My only encounter with Woolf was in 11th grade English class. I had to read a selection of her work one evening for homework. I'm not sure if it was an excerpt from a novel or an essay, but whatever it was, I hated it! I couldn't understand what the lady was going on about. Nothing she wrote made sense and was boring! Because of this initial encounter with Virginia Woolf was so painful, I was not thrilled that I would have to read an entire novel by her in a week and a half. I decided it would be best if I read slow and really pay attention to commas and individual words, rather than skimming as I usually do. Also, I took notes and looked up words that were new to me. Around half way through the book, I realized that I was quite enjoying this novel. This was shocking to me! I thought, "Maybe Virginia Woolf was not as crazy as I originally thought." Subsequent reading of this novel has been quite pleasurable. The only reason that I am still a little afraid of Virginia Woolf is that I have to get through another novel of hers and write a paper on one of the two I will have read. Teddy said that of all the works we are reading, this is the most accessible, so it will all get tougher from here. I plan to continue to plow through these works of modern British fiction at least to be able to say I did it. Hopefully, my attitude toward this genre of writing will get more positive as the semester gets on.

Juke box hero

Today, the kids and I went to Pizza Hut for lunch. My favorite part of lunching at Pizza Hut, a favorite summer past-time for my mother and I, has always been playing songs on the juke box. When my boys asked for quarters for the gumball machine, I gleefully handed each of them a quarter and kept one for myself, had I had one more quarter I would have given both of them two leaving none for myself. I skipped over to the juke box to select a song, while the boys were disappointed with the bracelet that the gumball machine spit out at them after taking their combined fifty cents. After this disappointment they asked for more quarters. I took pity on them and gave them a dollar so they could get four quarters to try again at the gumball machine. This time they were rewarded with a giant bouncy ball. The younger boy decided that he wanted to use his other quarter to play a song so he and I perused the juke box selections together. While searching for my song I thought about how everyone could see me up there selecting a song that they would all have to listen to. I decided I had to find a tune that would make all of the customers happy. There were two sheriffs, some mechanics, some middle aged men, and a few families dining. I figured my song choice should be from the classic rock row. There were choices like Hotel California, Back in Black, Turn the Page (the Bob Segar version), and Crazy Train. I have several of these in my own collection so I didn't want to play a song that I could listen to for free any time I wanted. While all of this was going through my head, my boy made his decision. He chose some Toby Keith song. I was a little worried that everyone would think this was my selection and then think I'm one of those typical Fremont girls who love Toby Keith and beer. After a moments consideration, I realized how silly this was; to think that all of these people in Pizza Hut would judge me based on my selection at the juke box. Just because I do it, doesn't mean that everyone else does. Most of the people could probably care less about what song I chose. With that in mind, I followed the boy's precedent and chose Wide Open Spaces by the Dixie Chicks. I don't own the song and I like it and I don't care what people think of me based on this choice. Maybe in the future, I'll be more merciful when judging people based on their juke box choices. I have to make a conscious effort not to close myself off to any genre of music due to the stereotypes associated with it. Just because a person enjoys the occasional Dixie Chicks hit, that doesn't mean that he or she cannot also enjoy Rufus Wainwright or Beck.

Grandma's orders

I visited briefly with my grandmother yesterday. She asked if I had any dates in mind at BW. I told her no, so she ordered me to start looking. I thought this was pretty funny. My grandma wants me to have a date. I have something in the works, but it's not at BW. I didn't tell her about it. I'm reluctant to tell a lot of people about it right now because I need to trust that it's going to go somewhere first. A select few people know about it, and they are under orders not to tell anyone else. If they did it wouldn't be a huge deal, but they know that I would prefer to keep this private until I'm more sure about it. He promised he wouldn't disappear, now I just have to see this promise in action so I can trust it. I'm really scared about this one because he is such a mystery to me. I am constantly wondering why he would like me because I am such a nerd. I know it's so high school to think this, but I really think he's too cool for me. That statement in itself makes me a nerd. I have always enjoyed mystery men though. I am highly attracted to this one. We'll see what happens. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's hard because I like him a lot. Last night, my dad told me that we are going to see Wicked on my 21st birthday while we're in Chicago! We are going to Chicago from Monday to Thursday of next week. I am so excited about it because I have never been there. I think this 21st birthday celebration is perfect for me. I won't be drunk or anything close to it, but it will still be lots of fun! I'll probably only have one drink with dinner. I get my new license today since we won't be in town next week at all before my birthday. I had to get one of the grandma's to watch the boys while I get this done since the DMV is only open during regular business hours, which is when I'm always at work. I think I am also going to use this opportunity to head out to the post office to apply for a passport. That prospect depends on how long it takes me at the DMV. Hopefully, it won't be too long.


*Edit* 3:30 PM
I got my big girl license. The picture is pretty good. I am pleased. The younger kid said some pretty nasty things to me today. If I had lower self-esteem I would have been pretty hurt by them. Lame. I made him apologize and told him never ever to say things like that to me or anyone else ever.

Blister

Last night was the worst night of work ever! My boss was horrible. She yelled at me all night for things that I couldn't control. She yelled at me to do things didn't need to be done or could wait until I finished whatever I was doing at the time. At one point, after she finished yelling at me for two things while I was busy working she picked up a lid to a rubber made container and whipped it across the room toward the sink. I happened to be in that vicinity at the time and was about two inches away from getting hit by the flying lid. She didn't even look before she threw. If I had gotten hit I would have walked out and quit right then. That would have been my breaking point. I had already started to consider walking out as this was my last shift. The other girl I was working with told me she was ready to walk out too, and said she would have with me if that lid had hit me. We were really busy which is why she was yelling at me. Everyone says not to take it personally when she yells because she doesn't really mean it, but I can't help it. I hate being yelled at when she could just tell me these things calmly. At the end of the night she was in a better mood and hugged me and thanked me for coming back this year. She offered me a job for next year. I will only take it if I'm desperate. She pays me really well which is what kept me there this whole summer. On top of all the yelling, I sustained a second degree burn on my right ring finger. I was burned by a metal lid. Now I have a hideous blister on my finger. I'm so glad it's over. One of the people I work with mentioned that last night was my last night when the boss was in the kitchen and she went over to the schedule saying she could fix that. I quickly told her that I already have plans for the next two nights. That thwarted her effort to get me to work more. Those two nights wouldn't be worth the money because they are going to be slammed all night as they are the last two nights of business for the summer. I'm still debating whether or not I'm going to help clean up on Saturday. I seem to recall that the last time I did it, I regretted it and was glad that I had to show up late. That is all.

And then there was one

That was my most original blog title ever! Tonight is my last shift at Woody's. I'm doing the easy job, so I may actually enjoy my evening. All I have to do is make hot dogs and wash dishes. Not much stress there. Last night I did my last night as End Girl, which is the stressful job. The place is going to be packed tonight since this is closing week. Each night has gotten successively busier. Luckily, I don't have to work either of the last two nights of business. I was so excited when I saw that I was not on the schedule for those nights. I might go back and help clean up Saturday morning because she pays time and a half, and most likely she won't yell at me that day. I may also get some free food out of the deal. Now I'm down to one job. I can relax every night at home. I only have one week of this set up though because I move in the 25th, my birthday is the 23rd and we are supposed to be going to Chicago on the 21st. We'll see what really happens though. I actually have a lot to get done on my nights off, so I won't be doing that much relaxing. If they ask me to work tomorrow night or Friday night, I'm just going to have to tell them no, unless they're desperate. I have plans for those nights already and they do not include Woody's. I'm not mean enough to go there on the last two nights. I don't want to give the kitchen workers any more stress than they will already have. I am so excited for 10pm tonight!

Upside Down

I just worked my last weekend for the summer. We had our Christmas in July party Saturday night. It was a good time. My partner and I were the first ones out in the water balloon toss. The water balloon exploded on me. I won the "Best Dish Washer" award because I'm fast. It was nice to be recognized. I have a certificate and a plastic medal to show for it. We had the party outside. Woody's is next door to a bowling alley. I saw a car pull into the bowling alley and thought I knew the people inside so I stared until they got out. When they were out of the vehicle I saw that I did in fact know them. They were friends of my older cousin. I waved and they came over and we chatted. They were both a little out of sorts. They invited me in to go bowling with them, even though I had no money. I said goodbye to the party, which was about to break up any way and went bowling. I hadn't seen these boys in over a year. It was fun. I came in second. After that I went home and slept. It doesn't feel like I'm single again. I think it's because I wanted it this time. The other day I was looking out the window and my heart began to flutter at a handsome trash collector and I realized that it is perfectly ok for me to lust after him. I don't have to feel guilty. So, naturally, I did what any girl in my place would do and ran out there and jumped him in the street professing my undying love for him.

It brings tears to my eyes

My boys are playing Oregon Trail and loving it! It's so great to see them enjoying a game that I played and loved when I was their age. Their game cube got fried when the power flicked at their house yesterday so I thought this was a perfect opportunity to introduce them to Oregon Trail. They have been playing for about 3 hours now. They love hunting and fishing. It's good for them because it forces them to read and they learn history. They are playing their first game by themselves right now. I think they keep saying how they are starving to death so they probably didn't buy any food. I guess since they are boys they are not that concerned with shopping. I used to sit there and shop for hours, guessing what my people might need and want for the trip. They are even using their imaginations to think up what their people are doing on the trip like I used to do. They have brought their two cousins and their parents along with them. I always brought my cousins, and whoever I had a crush on at the time. Time to go to the park now! They must be fed up with starving.

Time Capsule

I am going to start a new project with the boys in a few days. We are going to each make a time capsule to be opened later in life. I'm going to suggest 21 for them because when I was little one of my cousins was at my house shortly after her 21st birthday and was opening hers and I thought it was cool, but they can choose a different age if they want. I am going to choose to open mine at age 30. So far, I have only thought of a few items to include: an "All About Me" book which will cover all the favorites, what they want to do when they grow up, and their height and weight, hand and foot prints, a letter to their future selves and a picture of the three of us. I'm having a hard time thinking of other things to put in aside from a newspaper. I thought about printing out copies of the Billboard Chart for the week we seal them so that they can see what was popular when they were little. We are going to put the stuff in shoe boxes and them paper mache them shut. When they dry, the boys can paint them. I've been told by 2 people that the men on Full House did one. I was not pleased since I loathe that show. If anyone has any suggestions of items to include...let me know. I was also thinking of making copies of their swimming lesson certificates because that is something they did this summer. I'm sure the boys will come up with some good ideas about what to include. I'm pretty excited. The hardest part is going to be getting a picture of the three of us. I guess I'll have their mom take it one morning before she goes to work one morning. Their cousins are coming to town next week and I offered to take all the kids of the Bettsville Quarry to swim one day, and the boys' mom said that her sister might go along too since she'll have nothing else to do so maybe she can take a few pictures of us that day and then I'll have a few to choose from. I hope it is nice out next week so I can do that. I love the Quarry because it keeps the boys busy for hours! Right now, the kids and I are about to wash my car so I have to get stuff around for that.

Workaholic

I work all the time. I'm not going to get to do anything fun this summer, but I'll make a lot of money. I watch the boys all day every day, then a few nights I go straight over to Woody's to work. I also work at Woody's on the weekends. I'll be glad during the school year that I made a lot of money. I keep snatching up hours because I enjoy the big pay checks. I don't have much else to do in Fremont because most of my friends are staying at school over the summer. I still haven't had time ot get things unpacked from school. I'll be able to do that this Friday though because I don't have to watch the boys during the day. I have to go into Woody's at 4 but I'll have time before that. Tomorrow I have a date with J. We are meeting in Cleveland because it's halfway for both of us. I think we're going to have to do that a lot this summer since I won't have much time off. We'll be ok though. I've decided what to do for my 21st birthday in August! I'm really excited now! I thought it would be a boring day. J is taking the day after my birthday off so he'll come to Fremont after work on my birthday, we'll have dinner with my parents and then we'll head to Put-In-Bay Island. There are tons of bars there so we'll be able to visit a few that night. We'll stay over night there and then explore the island the next day. I think it will be lots of fun! I've been having fun researching places to stay and things to do there. If Pepsi does a Cedar Point promotion again this year, J and I might go to Soak City one day. We both love water slides. Maybe the roommate and her beau will be able to join us. I miss her. We want to go to NYC this summer together, but I need to check with my boss about when I can get time off to go with her. That would be great fun if we could go! The extra money I'm making will help with the trip. I suppose I should get back to paying attention to the boys now.

A little better

I'm feeling a little better today. I don't feel so sad when I think about him, and I think about him less. I think it was very helpful for me to talk to him yesterday, then to cry about it to my mom. I'm much more calm about it. I don't feel like crying. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I watched Liam for a few hours today. It is really hot out! It's up in the 90's. We went outside and played for about 15 minutes, but that's all we could take. I'm glad I didn't attempt to do the 2.5 mile bike ride to the park. It's well shaded at the park so it wouldn't have been too bad once we got there, but I would have been a sweaty pig from the bike ride. His dad is going to bike him down to the playground later today because his car seat is out of commission for a while. He asked if I wanted to go, and I kind of do because I want to get the exercise and spend time with my cousin, but I can't because I have to go out to my aunt's store tonight to pick out some things for my mom. We get a hefty family discount so it's pretty nice. I think I'll get t-shirts for the boys I watch at home. I've been watching them long enough that I get them little gifts. Tomorrow Liam's mom and I are going kayaking on their friends' private island. It's so beautiful out there. I've never kayaked so I'm nervous that I won't be strong enough. Liam's mom is training for a tri-Athlon so she is strong. I'm sure she realizes that I am not in the best shape though because I've mentioned how I haven't worked out since Christmas break. It should be an interesting, and hopefully, fun experience. I'm looking forward to it. I also may find a beach with people my age on it and sit and read there. Maybe go into the ocean too. That will be tomorrow though. The place I am going to tonight where the store is, Southbeach, has a beach in it so I may bring my book and the chair and my suit in case I feel like staying for a while. Also, today, Liam's mom suggested we have a picnic on the beach this week. Then she asked if I like fried chicken, which I do. So I'm pretty excited about that too. I'm so sad that this is my last week here. Things are so great down here even if I don't have anyone my age to go out with. It doesn't bother me. Eventually I would find some if I knew I was going to be here for a while. Oh well, I must stick to my original commitments.

A phone call

I called him today. I can't stop thinking about him. It's getting pretty rough. I cried to my mother on the phone tonight. It's all coming back. It's like I put my grief on hold for the school year and now I'm picking up where I left off. I have mostly the same feelings that I had at the beginning of the school year. I thought I had made so much progress. Now I have taken a step back. I'm not sure what promted it, but it is really making me hurt. I wailed to my mother that I just want everything to go back to normal. I feel like I have done my time for whatever I may have done wrong and I'm ready for it to be over and things to return to their former state. Maybe I'm just forgetting the crappy things so it's making me hurt because all I can remember are good things. Although, he was so good. That weekend, my cousin said to me, "This would be much easier if you had a reason to hate him, but you just can't because he's so nice." It's so true. I don't want to hate him. I was never angry and I'm still not. I'm just very sad. We talked for about 45 minutes. It was nice to catch up. He answered after the first ring. I wonder if he still wants to be my friend. He never facebook friended me, which seems to trivial, but it really hurt me, it still does. I guess all I can do is continue to communicate and try to be a friend. I'm not ready to see him in a social setting. In a few months I may be able to handle visiting with just him or just him and a few other people, but not at a party or something like that. I don't know. I don't know where all this is coming from.

My heart hurts

For some reason I've been drudging up old memories that are making my heart hurt today. I nearly cried over it, something I haven't done since at least October. I don't know what my deal is. Actually, I do. I had a dream about him last night. He called. I can't believe I'm still being stupid over this. He probably doesn't even think about me at all. He's probably just fine. I think that I think about him every day. Not usually in a sad way, but just because so many of my memories are attached to him since we were constant companions throughout high school. Liam has been sweet. He has been giving me kisses, which always makes me smile. He's so adorable. We watched Finding Nemo this morning, which is his favorite. I love that movie too. It always makes me cry. I just took a break to tickle the baby. I love this kid so much. It's raining today. I was planning on biking to the park and the beach with him today, but now it is too wet. I don't know what we are going to do here. We'll have to run around a lot inside. Liam is done in here so I must run.

Uh Oh!

That is my favorite phrase that Liam says. It is so cute! He runs up to you holding out whatever he has "hurt" (usually he hasn't hurt anything, he just wants you to kiss him) saying "uh oh!" He has many adorable features. I love this kid so much. I can't imagine what it's like with your own kid. Liam doesn't get on my nerves. He is such a good baby. He is 22 months. I take him to the park and the beach every day. He naps every afternoon, sometimes I nap then too. My life is so unstructured. I love it. I live here so I never have to "be at work" I'm just always here. I wish I could do this all summer. They really need me all summer because there is so much going on in this family that is keeping Liam's grandparents out of town, making it so his parents have to work more. The grandparents and parents own and run three of four stores and an embroidery warehouse. They are about to open a new store here soon, creating more work for them. My cousin, R, just had her baby so Liam's grandparents are up there with her and their second grandchild. I cannot wait to see the baby!! I was in R's wedding as the maid of honor last year. I plan on going to see the new baby as much as possible this summer. I hope to be like an aunt to her since I will have no nieces or nephews of my own. I went shopping the other day at the outlet mall. They have a Gap outlet and a Banana Republic Outlet. It was great. I love those stores. I can't shop in regular Banana Republic. There is also an Old Navy near by. I was in heaven. I got almost everything I needed. I realized that I did not get black capri's and shorts which is something I need for working at Woody's this summer. I'll have to go out again to get some. I looked a little for black shorts, but I didn't see much black anywhere. I'll have to look in a department store. Yesterday, I got totally lost in the gated community trying to bike to the beach. I was towing Liam in his little "chariot" behind me. I spent 45 minutes trying to find the beach. It is normally about a 15-20 minute ride. I biked so much that I decided it is no big deal that I have been drinking whole milk every day. I worked all of it off. I took the correct path home. Liam was just fine throughout the whole trip. He sat back there quietly watching the scenery (which was beautiful at times) and drinking his juice. He is finally just about used to me. He doesn't cry when his parents leave anymore. He never cried for very long anyway. Yesterday, his parents left before he got up and got home after he went to bed, so he didn't see them at all yesterday. He was just fine all day. Of course, they are paying for it today because he has been clingy and cranky. He's allowed to be though because it's rough being away from your parents that long at that age. He is such a good kid.

Summer!

As of about 10:30 this morning, my summer has begun!! I get to look forward to reading for pleasure and not having any obligations to fill other than those laid out by my job. This Sunday I am leaving for South Carolina where I will babysit my cousin's two year old son whom I will refer to as Liam. I am so excited! I will be there for three weeks. They have a beach within their gated community which I will be able to ride the bike to. There is a little cart thing that hooks up to the bike that I can put Liam in. I will spend as many days as possible at the beach because it's free and fun. My only concern is that there will be no one to put sunscreen on my back as Liam is too young. I will be the primary babysitter which means more money for me. I love my cousins down there so it will be fun to spend a lot of time with them. I'm just nervous about getting on their nerves. I plan on doing a lot of reading so hopefully that will keep me out of their way. I think Liam goes to playgroups, so I'll have breaks every once in a while. He is such a cutie. I'm kind of nervous about how long it will take him to get used to me. I know the first day will be rough, but hopefully he'll be fully adjusted by the end of next week. Being there while his parents are there at night will probably help the transition. I have tons of books to read while there since I won't have any friends to go out with on the weekends. I'll only be there two weekends so being in won't be too bad. I am planning on catching up on classics this summer. I'm pretty excited about my reading ambitions. It is going to be so wonderful to be able to go read on the beach at my leisure, provided I bring the baby. I am going to try to get up early enough to get some good shells at least one day while I'm there. The only thing that would stop me is if my cousin didn't want me to go out by myself. I know that the beach at night is a dangerous place, but I don't know about the early morning. I'll find out. If I don't get any nice shells it won't be a big deal, because I don't know what I would do with them. I'll figure something out if I do collect any. Maybe I'll try to find two really cool ones to bring back for the boys. They would love that, and it would be a free gift. I don't plan on buying them anything, but now that I think about it maybe I should. I get a 40% discount at my aunt's clothing store, so maybe I'll buy each of them a shirt. I can't wait to go. I'm driving it all in one day this Sunday. I'm nervous about driving through the mountains. It is going to be such a long day. I plan on leaving at 8:00 AM so I should get there around 9 or 10 depending on how often and how long I stop. I want to bring my lunch and dinner in a cooler so I don't have to buy stuff along the way. Peanut butter sandwich and chips will do. That way I only have to stop for gas and to go to the bathroom. I have lots of books on tape to occupy my mind for the trip. I also threw together 4 mix cd's in an hour yesterday for the trip. I didn't have time to make them fit together nicely, but what I have will do. I'll probably have the CD player on random when I do have it on so the order of the songs on the CDs won't matter. Hopefully the drive will be uneventful.

Spring Fever is setting in

It's that time of year again where I don't really care that much anymore. I do care about getting all A's but I can't focus on studying. I feel like I've got the material pretty well covered for my exam tomorrow even though I haven't done much studying. I don't think there is going to be much on the test and what is on it is mostly common sense stuff. I have an exam Monday night that will be harder, but still not bad. I have to give a presentation Monday, which I have to finish tonight since I'm going out of town. I need come up with some creative way to present it because the presentations are being graded competitively. Hopefully I can come up with something. My exam next Thursday will be the hardest. I have plenty of time to study for it though. My dad is coming tomorrow morning to move my stuff out. After he leaves I'm headed to Beaver for the weekend. I must be crazy for going up there the weekend before finals, but as I have just mentioned, I have it all under control. There is only one problem....I can't focus! I think it must be my office setting. I studied ok in my room earlier today so maybe that will work tonight. Later tonight I'm going out with some of the coolest people on campus to the lamest bar in Berea. It will be ok though because this will probably be the last chance I get to hang out with a good friend. It's so sad that she will be leaving, but I'm happy that she has the opportunity. I didn't experience much of this sadness with the seniors who graduated last year because I didn't know any of them very well. I have had two years to get to know this batch of seniors and I love some of them. I'm also going to get the chance to see another good friend who I probably won't see until next semester. I love her and we haven't hung out in a while so tonight should be fun. J was supposed to visit, but his car isn't working so he can't get here. It's ok though because I feel like I should spend time with my friends since I won't be here for the last weekend at school. I want to hang out with them. I'll see J tomorrow. He is really bummed that he couldn't come, but I tried to help him look at the bright side of the situation. I am bummed too, but I'm glad that I still have something to do. It will also give me chance to pack a little before my dad comes tomorrow, making the loading go faster. Another good thing about him not coming tonight is that I'll be able to get more school work done so I will have less to do when I'm visiting this weekend. Last night I imitated a squirrel and it was good.

Shark

Yesterday I officially jumped the shark, then showered with it. In the afternoon the roommate and I had a little bondage time on the futon over VH1 classic. Some creepy music video came on so we turned the channel to MTV2. That station was showing a music video for some emo band. We were wondering who it was. This little blurb reading "Do you want to see more Elite 8?" kept popping up so we figured oh this must be the Elite 8. Silently, we both wondered why there weren't 8 of them. When the video ended the little credit thing in the corner showed up and we were informed that the band we had been viewing was Taking Back Sunday and the show that it was on was called Elite 8. At that moment we knew that we had outgrown MTV and were no longer hip. We decided that we are now allowed to have children who will scream at us, "You just don't get it, Mom, you're not cool." Upon this revelation we decided to exchange a high 5...and missed. It just added to the moment of our unhipness. Later in the evening I went to take a shower and found a blown up shark toy in the shower. Being unhip as I am, I said, "What's this whale thing?" Then I realized that it was a shark. I threw it out of the bathroom, and then realized how fun it would be to shower with it. I asked the roommate if she would allow me to shower with her toy shark, and she agreed, laughing the entire time. It was very exciting to have a toy in the shower. I had to be careful of his fins when I bent over. I didn't want him to violate me. After I got out of the shower, the roommate told me that she could hear me bumping up against him and thought it was quite humorous. I had been having a frustrating night before that so I was glad to have the shark to lighten up my night. This is why my roommate and I need to live together. We are so in love.

I like running around in my underwear

My little was listening on the phone conversation I had with J tonight and she picked out this quote as the most important of my life:

"When I was little I used to lift my skirt up over my head....and I haven't grown out of it."

That pretty much describes my weekend. I never wear skirts, but Saturday night I went out with a bunch of girls. Since I never go out, I decided that I should wear a skirt because that can be cute. When I was walking across campus to the bar I felt the urge to lift my skirt over my head just like when I was a little girl. I don't know why. I like running around in my underwear. I always have. We didn't have air conditioning in my house when I was a little girl so I used to wear my underwear as my pj's and before bed I would run around the house in them because it was so hot. I resisted the urge to lift the skirt all the way over my head. I hugged a tree because it was Earth Day. I wore sunglasses as night because I'm VIP, bitches! I was so obnoxious. I flashed the shocker in every picture that I could. There are some fun pictures of that night. I am waiting for my friend to upload them onto the internet so I can steal them. April Reign was so much fun. I loved sitting there with all my sisters cheering the competitors on. I took tons of pictures. It was a beautiful day and I was thankful that I got to be out enjoying it for such a long time. I wasn't sick anymore because it rained the day before. That confirms that what I had was allergies because the rain dampened the pollen so it wouldn't bother me so much. I'm glad I didn't have a cold. My tummy problems also went away Saturday, thankfully. I got sunburned in my part because I wore my hair in braided pigtails. It is painful to brush. It doesn't really matter that it will turn into tan, because no one cares if your scalp is tan. More than likely it will start pealing and then it will look like I have a dandruff problem. My arms got slightly sunburned, but like my mom said, a little sun is good for you so you get Vitamin D. When I go out to the beach in May I will be wearing sunscreen everyday. The only problem will be that I will have no one to put it on my back. The baby is too young. I'll figure something out. I can't wait!

Crazy week is almost over

I have had a nutzo-busy week this week. Luckily, the stuff that kept me busy was, for the most part, fun Phi Mu events. I had my Gamma Chi interview Wednesday night. I thought it went well, but I'm really nervous about whether or not I will get it. I thought that I answered the questions insightfully and to the best of my ability. We will probably find out on Monday night. I dreamt last night that I got a spot as an alternate and I was highly disappointed. I'm glad that dream wasn't real and I hope it does not come true on Monday. Tonight is the chariot race. I just have to steer so it's not too demanding for me. I'm really tired and I think I'm sick. I have cold-like symptoms that could be allergies and I've been having digestive problems. I really just want to take a nap. I may do that after chariot instead of watching the relay's. I'm not sure, we'll see how I feel. I don't want my little to be really bored tonight when she stays in my room because I'll probably be so tired that I'll want to go to bed early. Tomorrow is going to be a really big day so I need to have plenty of sleep before it begins, especially since I may be sick. The April Reign events should be fun to watch because I've never seen them before since it was rained out last year. Pass downs will be a good time because I like getting stuff, even if most of it is junk. Hopefully my evening after pass-downs will be eventful, as long as I'm feeling better. I think it should be a really fun weekend. I need to get homework done now, before it starts so I don't have a bunch to do on Sunday before initiation when I'll want to relax. I talked to my cousin's wife in SC yesterday. She informed me that I will be the little one's primary babysitter for the month. That made me happy because that means more money! She asked what I make at my regular babysitting job and she told me she would at least match that. I think prices of things are more inflated down there so I may get more, which would be really nice. She told me that there is a beach inside of their gated community and a pool at my aunt and uncle's condo. They have a bike that I can use to pull the little one around in instead of having to drive to the beach. I'm excited about all the time I'll get to spend outside on the beach! I'll need to get a library card there so I have plenty to read. I'm just sorry that I can't stay longer. She said that the month of May has perfect beach weather because it's not so terribly hot out as it gets in July. I cannot wait to get down there!

I'm famous in the office

Last Thursday I was asked by a representative from the Exponent, "What tattoo have you always wanted?" I answered "Anna Nicole Smith, on my back." It was all in good fun. My reasoning behind the tattoo is that her entire family has her likeness tattooed on their backs and I thought it was outrageous. I caught part of a show about her once where they interviewed her family. I think one of her former lesbian lovers has one too. In the office everyone from the Math Department Chair to the girl I take over for at 3 has said something about it. This is the big issue of the Exponent because it features a lot about our retiring college president. I'm so glad that I could be a part of this special issue in this very special way. I hope no one thinks I'm serious because that would be sad. So this morning I got up early and got all dolled up for my Gamma Chi interview only to get there and find out that it is at 9:35 PM rather than AM. I was just assuming normal business hours when I signed up. Luckily, I am free at that time tonight also. I'm really excited because I get to eat at Antonio's tonight. That means a yummy pizza for dinner and great company to share it with! I got my Soc test back today and I got over 100 on it so I should be in good shape for my final grade. It's looking like I won't get an A- in a 100 level class after all. Thank goodness. The prof also offered us the option to take the final the Friday before finals week. I decided to take that option because I have three finals on Monday and Soc was one of them. Now, I will only have two finals Monday and one is a presentation that I have already finished the research for. It will be even harder to resist going to Beaver that weekend since I have absolutely nothing else going on aside from studying for my tests for the first time in a while. I'll probably end up going because I have no will-power. The last time I went I had a big test on Monday night which was the same as the final for that class will be, and I did fine. I got a higher grade than I had on the test before that. I just have to start preparing for the test days in advance because I know that I won't get to do hardcore studying in the days before. The test is at night so I can spend all of Monday doing some hardcore studying. The only thing I'll need to be around for that weekend is to move all of my stuff out. My dad is coming either Friday or Sunday to do that. We'll see what happens next week. I may not get to see him next week, which makes going there even harder to resist. I'll figure it out when I get there, I guess.

A weekend outdoors

I got to spend so much time outside over the long weekend. I loved it! Friday, I took the boys out to the park after lunch. I chased them and the little friends they made around the playground playing the "brain-sucker" game. If I catch them I get to suck their brains out. After playing at the park we went back to their house and got their bikes and the dog to take a walk at Speigel Grove. The dog was pulling me along the entire way--she doesn't get out much. We spend about an hour walking around. The trip was tiring because they walked their bikes down a big hill and then had to walk them back up. I couldn't help them because I had to keep a hold on the dog. We went back to their house and I put in Star Wars Episode III for them so that they could relax after our busy afternoon and so the time would pass quicker. I spend the entire evening at home cleaning in preparation for my special guest. Saturday J got to my house around 2:15 or so. He brought flowers for both me and my mother. She was impressed by the gesture. I let them talk for a little bit before J and I went on a little walking tour of Fremont. I was so excited to show him where I grew up. I showed him the downtown area. We walked up some streets with really pretty houses. We also took a walk through the Grove and went into the Hayes Museum. He actually was interested at looking around the museum so we did that for a little bit. I got to show him the doll house that I used to fantacize about playing with as child (sometimes I still do). It belonged to president Hayes's daughter. It is large and very intricate. After that we went back to my house where he got to chat with my mother a little more. Then we decided to go play putt-putt so we walked down to the place only to discover it was closed. By that time, it was near the supper hour so we walked back up to my house and got in the car to head to Woody's Drive-In Resaurant. The food there was excellent as always. J really liked the food and the root beer (we brew it ourselves). I went and talked to my boss (I worked at this place for four years. I have taken two summers off to watch the boys) and I asked her if she would want my help this summer and she garunteed me a job. She asked me what I wanted to do and I said "run end" (which is cook) because I knew that that is the job I'm best at and she usually needs people there, but she said "how about car hop" which is what I really wanted. That was pretty awesome. So, this summer I will be babysitting the boys and car hopping at Woody's. After dinner we went to the local movie theatre and watched a crappy movie. Then we went and got ice cream. After ice cream, we colored Easter eggs in my kitchen. I got this weird kind of dye because it was sparkly and he loves sparkly things. It was interesting to work with. We watched the movie American Splendor. The movie was and enjoyable way to end the day. Saturday was such a great day because I got to show J where I come from.

Potato chips and peanut butter

I highly enjoy the combination of potato chips and peanut butter. My favorite potato chips are manufactured in Tiffin, OH and are only sold in North West OH. I told J about this a long time ago. Yesterday, he shows up at my dorm with a box full of bags of these potato chips. I was speechless. I asked him where he got them and he told me that he called the company and ordered them. I could not believe it. I hate making phone calls so that would have kept me from doing such a thing. This was very far above and beyond. He is incredible. I am starting to wonder if this is really happening. Whenever I look at him I cannot stop myself from smiling because he is such an amazing person. Over the weekend he played and sang First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes. The words describe our relationship perfectly.

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you had just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

My Easter break has begun

Today, at 12:20, my Easter break began. My history professor cancelled class tomorrow because he is going to Mexico. The reason I am at school is work. I have to work tomorrow from 12-2 and then again from 5-7. I could easily ask for the day off, but I do not want to give up those wages. I wouldn't do much at home aside from procrastinate my homework. I get more done when I am at school, especially at work. I will get my Advocacy Project done tomorrow. I also plan to watch a meeting during my three hour break in the afternoon. After I get that project done tomorrow I will have some reading to do, which is the remainder of my homework for the weekend. I just have to do a little bit each day. There is a poetry slam tomorrow night that my roommate is participating in. She asked if I wanted to go with her. It's at 7:30. I was planning to drive home at 7 when I got off of work, but now I'm thinking I might stay and go with her. I like to support her and I want to see what this business is all about. I wouldn't do much once I got home at 9. I just want to be back before midnight because I have to be up around 7:45 the next morning to watch the boys. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of sticking around so I think I will. I'm excited to see the boys. I need to come up with something fun to do with them. Hopefully it will be nice out so we can go to the park or take the dog out for a walk. They like when I chase them, so I may wear "play clothes" and take them out to the park to run around. Maybe I'll take my baseball glove too and we can play some catch. I want them to remember why they like me so that they are excited about the summer. I think we will be spending a lot more time outside this summer. I am planning to get myself a summer pass for swimming at the Bettsville Quarry so we can go there a lot. They love playing in the sand there. I also want to spend more time practicing sports with them. Last summer, we headed down to my cousin's house, which is down the street from the park, to see if he had any tennis balls and he ended up coming out and playing baseball with us. It was a lot of fun for them because they got to play with an older boy. They always have me around, but I'm a girl so I have cooties. Unfortunately, my cousin moved to Columbus so we won't get to play at the park with him again this summer. I have to get some reading done now.

Up early for no reason

Today I was supposed to have an appointment at 10AM, so I got up at 9. I got a call around 9:15 saying the lady needed to reschedule. I was already too awake to go back to bed and I knew that my roommate being up wouldn't help me get back to sleep. I went to bed at 1 last night and so getting up at 9 was 8 hours of sleep. That is plenty of sleep. I get so excited when I get that much sleep. I went to the Beave for the last time until after finals over the weekend. It was a lovely trip. We went to the grocery store to get fixin's for dinner. I enjoyed the shopping trip...I was the taskmaster while J was distracted by shiny things. We cooked up some BBQ chicken, rice, green beans, and home made french fries. It was an excellent meal. I was so satisfied that I didn't need to have a snack later. If I have fulfilling meals then I don't snack. I think that is my problem here at school...my meals are just not fulfilling enough. My mom's birthday was nice. We had turkey, mashed potatoes and corn for dinner. It was so good! Two great meals in a row! Well actually three because J made me pancakes and sausage for breakfast. The pancakes were from scratch. My mom liked the bag I got her. My dad got her a CD. It is getting hard to buy for my parents. I can't just draw them a picture or make one of those little chore coupon books any more. I actually have to spend money on a well thought out gift. We didn't have a cake. I guess it's because there are only three of us and they are the only ones who eat cake. They probably didn't want to be stuck eating an entire cake. I'm glad I get to go home again this Thursday because I kind of miss it. J is coming on Saturday to meet my mom and spend Easter with us. We don't do anything big for Easter. We just go to church and then out to lunch with my parents' best friends. It's a pretty low-key day. I'm usually terribly bored so it will be nice to have company. If it's nice out, we can go for a walk around Fremont because there are some pretty parts of town. I'm pretty excited to show him where I live! Yesterday I realized how hardcore I have been ignoring my friends. I am slowly working to correct the situation. It will be easier after Easter because I won't be able to leave school. I also do not have a lot of work going on in the next few weeks so I'll be able to spend time with people before we leave for summer...as long as they aren't too busy. I talked to one of my friends from Fremont last night. I'm glad that we'll be in close proximity again so we can hang out. She really needs a girl friend to talk to. I know how important girlfriends are to a relationship so I will try hard to be there for her so her relationship has a better chance of working out. While it's tempting to spend all your time together, it's not healthy. It is very necessary to do things with other people away from each other. If nothing else, it helps you remember why you're so happy when you're together. It gives you time to miss the other person.

It has been confirmed

I talked to my mom tonight, and my notion that last night's dinner went well was confirmed. My dad seemed to like J. He paid him a really high compliment. It may not sound like much to anyone one else, but to my mom and I it is huge. He said that J seemed like a better fit than either of the last two boys I have dated. My dad always gives his true opinion and doesn't sugar coat, so him saying this was very much in J's favor. He also said that he thought J seemed nervous. I almost typed K instead of J and that made me think of Kafka's The Trial. The main character is only know as K. I am like Kafka because I name my character J. I kind of want to read that book again because I think I would appreciate it more now. I also want to read Pride and Prejudice again for the same reason. Anyway, now J just has to meet my mom. She is really excited to meet him. I think she will really like him a lot. He is so nice and so is she. They will get along well. The concert was really good. I enjoyed it very much. There was an obnoxious (hopefully drunk) lady a few rows ahead of me head banging. It's a Patty Griffin concert...not exactly head banging music. She and her friend kept yelling "Poor house" which I assume meant they wanted her to sing "Poor Man's House." She didn't play it, but she was good anyway. It was kind of a short concert, but that's ok because my dad had a long drive home. Tomorrow I get inducted into the Math Honor Society. My dad is coming to see it. I think there will only be up to 15 people there if that. I think it is pretty funny that I qualified. I'm terrible at mental math. I love trig and factoring. It's another thing to add to my resume. We will probably shop for a birthday present for my mother afterwards, then I will head up to the Beave for the night. Sunday, I will drive home for my mother's birthday. I think it should be a pretty good weekend. Tonight I plan on relaxing with some super-cool girls after my laundry is finished. I'm using right now to have alone time, which is something I haven't had a lot of lately. It's starting to show that I haven't had enough so I'm glad I'm finally getting some. I also have to call my formal date back. He is now pursuing me...now that it's too late. My mom told me to just enjoy being pursued because I knew where my loyalties are. I feel special, but it is kind of bothering me because I don't want to be mean to him. He's begging for my attention now that I'm unavailable, two months ago he could have cared less. I'll have to tell him I'm busy all weekend, just like I told him last Wednesday. I'm so excited for tomorrow. :)

I will call him J

From now on I will refer to my boyfriend as J because I hate the word boyfriend. It just sounds so middle school. I think it makes me sound like a stupid little girl who is obsessed with her boyfriend and jumps at every chance to use the word boyfriend. As much as I am proud and excited that J is my boyfriend, I still do not like the word very much. I gave my group presentation today....the one I was dreading. It went a lot better than I thought it would. I put off making the visual aid, a mock up of the game Operation, for weeks. I was so nervous because I had to draw the man on it and I cannot draw. I sketched him in pencil last week and then last night I finished the sketch and brought it to my group for their approval. They thought he was cute so I finished him in marker. He turned out soo much better than I thought he would. I was pretty pleased. I don't have anything major going on again until my Soc test next Wednesday. I should start reading and looking over the vocabulary for that today. I think that's what I'll do at my other job tonight. This weekend is my mother's birthday. I need to get something for her. I'm not getting her glassware. I got her a nice tote bag from the college bookstore, but I think she deserves more than that. She will like the bag because it has a pocket that zips inside and the top closes with a snap so things are less likely to fall out. It is pretty heavy-duty as well. My dad will help me find something for her on Saturday when he is up for my induction into the math honor society. I just found out that by joining this I'll get an honor cord at graduation. I like those cords...they make me feel important. I'm so terrible at math so I think it's really funny that they are letting me in. I can study really really hard and do well at it, but I forget what I learned pretty quickly and I go back to sucking at math. I guess my hard work pays off though because it will be a nice resume builder and another honor cord. Tomorrow is the Patty Griffin concert with my dad. I'm really excited about it! I'm not sure what I am going to wear yet. I think I have it narrowed down, but I'm not sure. I'll have to try on several outfits tomorrow before I decide. Also, my dad is going to meet J for the first time. We are going to stop in Chippewa to have dinner with him. I'm also excited about that. I'll get back to school kind of later, but I don't have to be anywhere until 11AM on Friday morning so I'll be fine. Last night I had dinner with my big. I love her. We always have fun together. She's so wonderful to talk to. She is so smart and sweet. I can't wait to celebrate her birthday with her. Her actual birthday is today, but she is going out with her mother today so we must celebrate another day. It will be a good time. We think we may do it April Reign weekend because that is the only weekend that both of us will be at school and it won't be the weekend before finals. Yesterday, I noticed that the battery in my blue watch died. The last time I noticed that it died was when I was 17. I was in the airport, saying goodbye to my parents as I was leaving to fly by myself for the first time. I had always flown with my parents before. I was on my way to California to visit my aunt and cousins. I cried at the gate when I had to leave my parents behind. On my way back, I cried when I got through the gate, leaving my aunt and my cousin's husband and son behind. I have problems saying goodbye. I think I may have cried when I left my uncle at the gate in the airport when I was flying to Texas last December. I usually say "See ya" to people rather than "goodbye" because it sounds less harsh. I hate goodbyes.

Anxiously awaiting

I'm at work, awaiting the arrival of my young man. We are going out to dinner tonight and then we will watch a movie in my room. My roommate is going home tonight :( so we won't have anyone else to share the futon with. I will miss her. I'm not used to her being gone on a school night. It will be weird to wake up without her there tomorrow. I may think it's a weekend. I'm excited about Carnation Ball tomorrow. My date finally called me back last night and we firmed up plans for his arrival. He asked me what color my dress is, and I'm glad he did because I would have totally forgotten to tell him. I and wearing my Senior Prom dress. I was going to wear my Junior Prom dress, but it doesn't fit anymore. I tried it on Tuesday and it zipped until about an inch and a half from the top. I was really sad, but I remembered that after I had had it taken in Junior year the dress was really tight. She took it in too much even for when I was smaller, so I grew just enough for it to not fit. I'm really sad because it is a beautiful dress and it will most likely never fit again. I'll probably end up selling it to a consignment shop. Hopefully, someone else will get to feel beautiful in it. I've decided to go to the Beave this weekend. I wasn't going to go because I have a test on Monday, but then I was told that the Maple Syrup Festival is this weekend. I knew I had to go! There will be lots of pancakes there. I love pancakes. I also love spending time with the boy. We may see the roommate there too because she is going up to Beaver tomorrow and staying for the weekend. I will have to leave Sunday morning so I can attend my class trip to Health Space Cleveland. It will be worth it to spend the day in Beaver. The boy has a show Saturday night that I will go see. I'm excited because I'll get to meet everyone he works with in both troupes. I'm also a little nervous about it too. I've already planned what I'm going to wear. I'll get a chance to study for my test because he has to be there an hour early, so while I wait to watch the show I will study. It will work out nicely. I also started studying last night and got a lot done today. Tomorrow I will devote most of my free time to studying English. I will only break to do my history reading. This is going to be a great weekend! I get to see the boy tonight and then on Saturday too. I was so proud of myself because I called the dentist back home to change my appointment time in May. I hate making phone calls. I only have one more to go today. I'm going to call to see if the woman I babysit for wants me to watch the boys on Good Friday. It would be nice to make a little money while I'm at home. I'm going to call her after the boy gets here because I figure they will be finished with dinner by then. She is an accountant and it's tax season, so there is a chance she won't be home yet. If she's not her husband should be able to handle the situation. We'll see.

I have been MIA

I haven't seen my sisters outside of meetings in a while. Busy is not an excuse because we are all busy. I need to start making time to head over to the section to hang out, like I used to. This weekend should be good for that because I have all day Saturday free. I'm almost out of soup from home so I should be able to go to dinner more often soon. I miss all of them and I was scolded yesterday for not informing one of my super-sweet sisters about my updated relationship status. She had to find out from facebook. I guess the relationship is what has been taking up the time that class doesn't take up. It's new so I need to figure out how to balance my time. At least now I'm conscious of this so I can actually make an effort to remedy it now. My weekend was awesome, despite my illness. I danced in the Dance Marathon Saturday. I was on my feet for 12 hours straight. I didn't even sit down for dinner because I'm a beast. I had a lot of energy throughout most of the day. I only had one lull in the middle of the afternoon, but I got a cup of water and perked up again. They kept things moving for us nicely. I was incredibly proud that I made it all the way through. When I got back to my room I didn't sit before I showered because I knew that there was a chance I wouldn't get back up. After my shower I got to talk to the boy. I went to sleep knowing that when I awakened it would only be half an hour until he arrived. It was kind of hard to sleep because I was so excited, but I was also exhausted from the day so that eventually won out over the excitement and I slept. Sunday was an amazing day. The boy came to help me recover from the Dance Marathon. The original plan was to sit on the futon and watch movies all day, but at the last minute the roommate's boyfriend hitched a ride and they claimed to futon. My young man and I were left to find other plans for the day. He helped me paint a corkboard for my little, which was really sweet. We all went out to lunch downtown. I was really tired at lunch and had a headache so I spent most of the time staring out the window. My sore throat was really bad all day. I had to cringe every time I swallowed. I had to go to some Phi Mu meetings and then I had Big/Little Revealing so I had to leave him alone for a while. Revealing was so exciting! My big came even though she has deactivated. I love her so much! My little didn't find all of her puzzle pieces, but from what she had it was pretty obvious who her big was. She told me she knew it was me. It was pretty obvious that I wanted her as my little. She is a great girl, and I'm so excited that she is my little! After revealing I went back to the boy and we went out to dinner. The restaurant I wanted to go to was closed, so we went to Taco Bell. Their dining room was closed so we drove to the movie theatre (we decided earlier that we might as well go out to a movie since it was obvious that we weren't going to be able to watch one in the room) and ate in the parking lot. We saw Inside Man. It was a pretty cool movie. I liked how it all worked out. It was kind of played like Ocean's Eleven with a really well thought out and executed crime. It was slow moving, but I still liked it. After the move it was 1:00AM so the boys had to leave. My young man is coming back Thursday to take me on a date. Maybe then we'll get to watch a movie in the room, and we'll get to go to the restaurant that I wanted to go to last night.

The greatness is carrying over

My mom made me realize what a great week this is for me! Today I went to apartment draw and I was second in line so we have an apartment for next year! Our bedroom and kitchen look out onto Coe Lake. We are on the second floor, which is where we wanted to be. We have always lived on the top floor and we have never had to deal with noise form above so we thought we would keep that pleasantness for next year too. My cousin's wife called today and said that she definitely needs me to come help out in Hilton Head with the baby this May so I am planning to go live in Hilton Head, South Carolina for a whole month after school is out! :) As I said yesterday I acquired a boyfriend. I got an A on my history test! I hope this carries over for the Dance Marathon this weekend because I am getting really nervous about that. I know I'll be fine. I have had a sore throat for the last two days so I'm worried about being sick for it. I am drinking orange juice more and taking cold meds to try to curb the impending illness. Even if I did get sick, this would still be an awesome week. Tonight I am going out to dinner with my dad so it will be nice to have food off campus. Apartment draw started a little early so I didn't have to be late for work like I expected to be. I'm glad that I get to work my whole shift because that means more money. I have to write a check for Carnation Ball so my funds will be depleting again, but it will be fun so it will be worth it.

Updated status

It's official now that I have changed my relationship status on facebook. I am now "In a relationship." It excited and frightens me at the same time. I'm not very sure what I have to be afraid of, but for some reason I am. I'm not really afraid of getting hurt because I don't really remember what that's like--which is a good sign. Over the summer a good friend told me to find someone who can't live without you, but would if he had to. I think I've found that and I like it. I've just got to go through with this formal date. It will be ok because that is going no where. He will be a fun date. It still really hasn't sunk in that I am someone's girlfriend. It's kind of like how on my birthday, I never feel older. I guess that's good because my relationship status does not change who I am. I don't want to let it define my life. It's really easy for me to let it run my life though because when I get into a relationship I put all my effort into it. We live far apart so that will help me keep my separate life. I have to tell my mom. I'm a little nervous. I know she won't get mad or anything. She knows that she cannot tell me what to do with my life. I think she will be disappointed that I am not allowing myself to be independent for a while. I think when I describe to her why I chose this, she will understand. She likes what she has heard of him so far. She is glad that he treats me well. She always tells me how well my dad treated her when they started dating, and this young man reminds me of her stories. I really want them to meet him. Maybe in a few months.

Best Weekend Ever

I just had an amazing weekend. I went to PA to see my young man perform in his improv show that he does every Friday night. I stayed all day Saturday because we both had the entire day free. I wasn't sure what I wanted before, but now I know. All day Saturday I forgot that I lived at school. It was like I had been in PA all my life with him. It was so strange and sad for me to remember that I live at school, not in PA. His show was great. I sat with his dad. I was so proud of him because he is quite talented. After the show we went back to his house and started watching a movie, but we were both really tired and so happy to see each other that we didn't end up watching all of it. Saturday morning was spent chatting. I want to know everything. He made me an incredible breakfast--sausage, bacon, pancakes, and homefries. I was astounded because the food just kept coming! It was all delicious. We went to the park in the afternoon and played on the playground. After being disappointed at the lack of monkey bars we hiked in the woods. It was very nice to sit in nature with him and talk. When we got back from the park we were invited to see a movie with his brother. We saw V for Vendetta for free because his brother's girlfriend works at the theatre. The movie was excellent. It was also amazing to have an intelligent discussion about the movie afterwards. I didn't feel stupid saying that there was some of it that I didn't get. We worked out the meaning together. I felt like his equal. After the movie, he treated me to Wendy's. I love Wendy's. Then we borrowed Edward Scissorhands from his brother and watched it at his house. I thoroughly enjoyed that movie as well. I put it on my birthday list. I feel so at home with him, which is scary because I haven't know him that long. I told him that I want to be his girl, but I have to wait for this formal business to be over. I would feel guilty going to formal with another guy. I don't want this other guy. There is no competition. We'll see what happens. I think it is headed somewhere, but I still have to make sure he ok with everything. I knew what I wanted when he would compliment me and my automatic reaction was to say, "I'm yours," but I had to stop myself every time because that's not the case. I also enjoyed when his brother introduced me as his girlfriend to his friends at the movie theatre. It just seemed right. I wish that I could do this every weekend. I just have no free weekends ever! There is one possible weekend that I could go up there again, but I have to wait until closer to the time to know for sure. I really hope I can. I managed to not be sad when I left today. It took a lot of effort because I really really really wanted to stay. I was happy with the knowledge that that was not my last visit there.

And then I found a dollar

So I ran out of gas on the turnpike this morning. Luckily, we have AAA so I was able to call for help. I was about 13 miles from my exit. There were a lot of communication problems between the AAA people so it took an hour and half for me to be rescued. I just sat there the entire time looking in my review mirror, hoping to see a tow truck come around. I did do the rest of my reading that I did not finish yesterday. I was too distracted to do more work though. At one point I thought I lost my AAA card that I set on the passenger seat, so I started searching around for it and I found a dollar! That was the best part of the time I sat waiting. I also called my roommate and pretended to have to tell her something because I longed for human contact. I missed my only class for the day. I'm not too worried about it though because I've never missed this class and I have a friend who can give me the notes. Gas is cheaper in Berea than in Fremont so I really thought I could make it. I was wrong. When the tow truck guy got there he said they didn't tell him I ran out of gas so he didn't have any. I freaked out in my head for a moment and thought he was going to have to leave and come back. He said he would just tow me to a gas station. He ended up towing me all the way to Berea. I didn't even have to pay my turnpike toll! He also put air in one of my tires that was low. Since I didn't have to pay for the turnpike, I treated myself to window's. Now I'm at work, and I'll be here for the next two hours. I haven't been up to my room yet since I got back. I miss it. I miss my roommate. I had a good night in Fremont. I spent over two hours at my grandmother's house. It was kind of boring, but it was worth it. I made dinner for her. I think she enjoyed it. After that I went home and baked cookies until midnight. First I made chocolate chip cookies, then oatmeal. I did a pretty good job. They are for my host for this weekend. I'm excited to surprise him with about 6 dozen cookies! I went a little crazy I guess. I just couldn't help it. I only ate one oatmeal cookie. I have tried the chocolate chip. I allowed my parents to each eat a chocolate chip cookie. My mom told me they were great, but I don't know if I can trust her opinion since she is my mom. The oatmeal cookies are chewy, which is what I was going for. It was wonderful to sleep in my own bed. I slept incredibly well. I love my bed. I got my CD's finished which was pleasing. I think I got everything done that I meant to get done at home. I love when that happens. I really can't think of much more to write and I still have two hours to go. I'll have to find something else to waste my time.

Too much man for me

I am eating a chocolate bar right now that is too much man for me. It's really thick. I don't think I can handle it all. I bought it form one of the math prof's little girls. She is selling chocolate as a school fund raiser. I thought I would be nice and purchase one. Also, the box of chocolate sits on my desk and the chocolate stares at me so I thought I had better get one before they get violent. I bought the milk chocolate with crispy rice since Crunch bars are my favorite. This does not have enough crispy rice in proportion with the chocolate, but I'll manage. The chocolate is not that great even though on the back of the bar there is a claim that says everyone loves the taste of their chocolate. Maybe it's really good chocolate and I am just too ignorant to know. It's kind of like in high school band, when we got the new timpini's I thought they sounded bad because they did not sound like the ones I was used to. In reality the ones I was used to were the bad ones and the new ones were good, I was just too ignorant of what a good sounding timpini sounded like to know one when I heard one. The chocolate sticks to my teeth. This was my good deed of the day, I guess. Although, visiting and making dinner for my grandmother is another good deed, and so is making CDs for people and cookies. What a good day. I felt pretty good about my history test when I finished. I think I at least nailed the essay, which is where most of the points are. I'll find out soon enough. I'm just glad I don't have it hanging over my head anymore. Now I can focus on the weekend! Fun!! I just have to get through the next hour and forty-five minutes of work and then I'm headed home.

Insomnia

I haven't been able to get to sleep for the past few nights. I haven't had this much trouble, this many days in a row, in a really long time. I hope tonight ends the streak because I am really tired. I think it will because I am not talking on the phone right before bed. I will post this, do a little studying while waiting for the roommate to get ready for bed, and then go up to bed. Tomorrow night I will sleep in my own bed. That thought makes me happy. When I get home tomorrow I am going to make cookies for my host this weekend. He brings me flowers so I will bring him cookies. I am also going to make dinner to bring to my Grandma's house. I am excited for the weekend. I will probably actually go out on St. Patrick's day which is something I have never done before. It should be exciting. Tomorrow is going to be a good day. I think I will call it a night so I can get a head start on that good day.

Strange days back

I have awakened late for the last three days in a row. Sunday I woke up to find that I had to leave for school in two and half hours rather than three so I had to hurry up and shower and go see my grandma. I didn't get to spend as much time with her as I would have liked to. I hadn't seen her since Christmas. She told me she didn't think she was going to make it last week. I have decided to take off of work this Thursday evening and spend it with her to make up for Sunday's short visit. I accidentally set my clock twelve hours off so my alarm didn't go off in the morning yesterday so I woke up half an hour before class. I tried as hard as I could to remain calm because half an hour is plenty of time to get ready. I did a good job not letting it get to me. The rest of the day was not too bad. This morning I completely overslept for my class because I got everything on my clock straightened out, but I forgot to turn my alarm on. I woke up to the bell chiming 11. My class lets out at 11:10. Again, I had to try to remain calm. Today was a review day for the exam so at least we were not learning new material. I remember leaving the last review day nd thinking it was worthless. He also let us go early after the last one so I figured I was not missing much. I have a friend in that class to I arranged to meet with her so she could tell me what I need to know. This is not a big deal because I do not make a habit of this kind of thing. I will not let it ruin my day. I had to drop one of my classes this week so I only have 12 credit hours. My reason for dropping it is very complicated, but it has to do with keeping my scholarship for all four years of school so it was a good reason. I really liked this class too. Oh well. I have decided to go watch the Cellar Dwellers' show this Friday in PA. This is my only free weekend for the entire semester and I really wanted to see my young man perform so this will be my only chance. I'm going to stay until Sunday morning. I have to drive back to work a table selling chocolate for Dance Marathon at Wal-Mart. Saturday afternoon there should be fun. There are only three other Friday's that I could potentially go watch them perform. One is the night before Dance Marathon so I think it would be dumb to take a big car trip and wear myself out the night before. The next one is early April, but the next day there is some sort of service project that I think I have to do, but I'm not sure on the time of that. If it's in the afternoon it would be manageable. The final possibility is Good Friday since we don't have school that day. I actually will be done with school on Wednesday that week because my Thursday class is cancelled. I will stick around to work on that Thursday though because I need the money. This will probably be the only time I make it up there this semester because my weekends are so booked up. It's crazy how filled up this second half of the semester has gotten! I'm kind of glad that I only have 12 credit hours. Working 14.5 hours a week on top of all this is a lot. I don't know how people go to school and work 40 hours a week. I would go nuts. I guess I would be able to do it if I had to, but I would not have time for much fun. That's all for now. Back to work.

*Edit*
I just got some great news! This Friday is payday!! I thought pay day would not be until next Friday, but I forgot that the adults worked over spring break so we all get paid this Friday! Spring break won't be included on this paycheck so it will be another big one since I worked extra hours in that pay period. The next pay check will be small though because spring break will be included in that pay period. That news made my day!

The world I left behind

I met with a friend from elementary school today and got caught up on all of the Fremont gossip. Most of it is old news, but I don't really talk to anyone from home anymore. Every time I'm here I'm reminded of why I went to a school where no one from my high school was going. While I love Fremont in it's own little way, I am glad to be away. I like the people in college better than those in high school. College is funner! :) I have just one friend left from high school that I see every break. There are a few that I see only on summer break and that's fine. It's fun while it lasts. I love my life now. I don't really want to settle here in Fremont, but I would. I really don't care where I go. I'll settle anywhere. I'll figure it out when I get there. I've been saying that a lot lately. It's much easier that way. I can't be sure of how I'll feel or see things in two or four years so I don't even want to try. I have finally embraced my procrastination of my essays. I know that I do my worst work when I'm at home on break so I figured that I might as well not even try to force myself to do them if they are not due until Wednesday. I'll bust them out Monday and Tuesday. I've got one part-way done. When I'm at home I just can't get anything done. I'm not in school mode...I'm in vacation mode. I do have to do my reading tonight, but that's not like writing a paper. The information is given to me. I don't have to do anything with the information aside from take a few notes on it so I remember what I read for the quiz on Monday. Now that I have recognized that, I can get on with my evening and not just waste time. Dinner! Then no more wasting time...maybe I'll read some more poetry tonight. That's right, I read poetry for fun last night. I even thought about how it might be fun to write some. I didn't try though because I'm not ready for that yet. Maybe with more reading for fun I'll get there. I want to read some more tonight, but I have to finish up In Cold Blood which means I have a whole lot of reading to do since I'm only about half way through and I've got tonight and tomorrow to finish on top of my reading for school. It's shaping up to be a busy evening. I'll eat now.