A phone call

I called him today. I can't stop thinking about him. It's getting pretty rough. I cried to my mother on the phone tonight. It's all coming back. It's like I put my grief on hold for the school year and now I'm picking up where I left off. I have mostly the same feelings that I had at the beginning of the school year. I thought I had made so much progress. Now I have taken a step back. I'm not sure what promted it, but it is really making me hurt. I wailed to my mother that I just want everything to go back to normal. I feel like I have done my time for whatever I may have done wrong and I'm ready for it to be over and things to return to their former state. Maybe I'm just forgetting the crappy things so it's making me hurt because all I can remember are good things. Although, he was so good. That weekend, my cousin said to me, "This would be much easier if you had a reason to hate him, but you just can't because he's so nice." It's so true. I don't want to hate him. I was never angry and I'm still not. I'm just very sad. We talked for about 45 minutes. It was nice to catch up. He answered after the first ring. I wonder if he still wants to be my friend. He never facebook friended me, which seems to trivial, but it really hurt me, it still does. I guess all I can do is continue to communicate and try to be a friend. I'm not ready to see him in a social setting. In a few months I may be able to handle visiting with just him or just him and a few other people, but not at a party or something like that. I don't know. I don't know where all this is coming from.