A post for mistress

I have felt guilty for not posting recently. I guess I just thought I had nothing interesting to say. I don't like to do newsy posts. I think I should have something interesting to say when I write, and my life is probably only interesting to me and the few people I surround myself with. I will try to be better about it this summer now that things are starting to calm down.
I have decided that whenever I travel in the future, even if it is just to some city in Ohio, I am going to be well informed about the area. I have taken two independent trips (meaning without my parents) and I didn't do any research before either and then regretted it both times. When I went to NYC I had R to do the research for me and I just went where he went, but I wish I had known more for myself so I could have been informed about what I was seeing. A few weeks ago, I went to Iceland, again, with very little research and knowledge about the area. One of my friends had researched the place very thoroughly and knew the in's and outs of the country. The entire time, I wished I had done that so I could be more aware of my surroundings. Instead, I just walk around in a blunder, waiting to see what will come to me and then when it's over I feel like I didn't get to see much because I had no direction. As part of my new decision, I started researching attractions in Columbus, OH, a city I frequent these days, so that I have suggestions of what to do when I am there. I want to see things, but I can't use "Well I'm not the one who lives here as an excuse." If I am informed, I can have more fun because I know what I'm looking for. I think traveling is going to become a favorite activity of mine because I love planning things. I don't know why I didn't do it before. I guess I was just silly.

I think a lot

When I hear about some horrible thing that happens to someone else such as a death in the family or rape or an injury, I think, "Oh how awful! I could never bear that," but now that I have had a disaster of my own, I find that it is easier to deal with than I thought it would be. I think it is because I have no choice but to deal with it. It is part of my life and I can never change it. I downplay it to myself and make believe that it is no big deal. I really don't even think about it all that often. It doesn't make me cry and it hasn't made me lose trust of faith in people. The effects on me are pretty minimal. Maybe it's that I'm a tough girl, or maybe it's that I'm really good at denial, in which case that is not very good for me, but it works for now so I'm not too concerned. I don't have much sympathy for myself like have for others in the same position. I think if I did feel sorry for myself I would be a lot more affected by it. I just think that I can't change it so all I can do is move on.
The other day I listened to some people talking about how Vegans live for an extra 6 or 7 years or something like that and I felt bad because I could never give up meat even though doing so could prolong my life. Then I thought, "Wait, I don't want to prolong my life!" I have been watching my grandparents decline for the last five years as they enter their 90s. My only dead grandparent died at age 89 of a broken hip...he smoked Camel unfiltered's from the time he was 14 and was an alcoholic for as long as I can remember, but I know it was from long before I was born. Whiskey was his drink of choice. He only had one kidney for the last 40 or 50 years of his life. My other grandparents are all alive and in their 90s and are getting more and more feeble every day. My mom's parents are in a nursing home separated from each other which is very sad, and my dad's mother lives at home but cannot walk around without help so she must pay a woman to help her every day. So longevity runs in my family. If I am supposed to live into my 90s I do not want to prolong my life into the 100s or 110s! I don't even want to live as long as my grandparents have! It's depressing to see them! All of their friends are dead or dying around them. I could never move to a nursing home. It would be too devastating to lose my independence. I dread the thought of having to give up my drivers license. It's just awful to grow old. I would prefer to die in my early 80s or late 70s. Because I have such good odds of living so long, I bet, with my luck I will die in my 30s. That's how my life goes. Oh well, it would still be better than living into my 90s and wanting to give up. So I don't need to do anything to prolong my life, I can eat all the red meat I want and drink like a fish, and smoke like a chimney if I choose (I will not smoke cigarettes every because I'm stubborn, but I know it would be ok if I did). Lucky me.

I'm not a business man, I'm a business, man.

Comma placement is so very important.
Early this morning I decided in my sleep that I needed to get out of bed and lay down on the futon. I woke up while making the climb onto my desk since I sleep in a lofted bed, but I was so groggy that I still thought what I was doing made sense. I laid down and wrapped myself in a blanket and went back to sleep. Every few hours I awakened freezing and tried to pull the other blanket over me. I think I thought it was time to get up, but this doesn't explain why I automatically went to lay down on the futon. I never do this in the morning. I haven't done something like this since high school. I used to get up in the middle of the night and get ready for school. I'd wake up brushing my teeth and wonder why I was so tired. I guess this is how stress expresses itself in my life. I don't give it a mental outlet so it must find other ways to manifest, such as on my face with acne. I still like this better than mentally acknowledging stress. Anxiety dreams and sleep walking are not so bad because the dreams are not real and when I wake from sleep walking I can always just go back to bed.
I get pie on my first day of spring break. That makes me happy. It will be homemade just for me, all I have to do is drive 2 hours to get to it. I think I will make some new cd's for in my car to entertain me on my drive. I will be doing a lot of driving over spring break. Maybe I should look at books on tape to entertain me. I have trouble with those sometimes because if they are not really engaging, I stop paying attention. I think a lot and it is distracting so I'll probably stick to music. That will give me a project for next week. I got a bunch of new cd's from the library to try out so I should have plenty of good options for mixes. It is tough to add new cd's into my repertoire because when I listen to music, there is usually some cd or song I have in mind to hear. I have to find a way to listen to my new cd's so that they can become part of the rotation, or so I can decide that I do not like this artist and delete the songs from my computer. I have put together a playlist of all the cd's I need to listen to so that should be helpful. I can add and take away from it often to weed through my new music. I have already fallen for one of my new acquisitions so it seems to be working. I really need to expand my music horizons and stop hating new artists because of how they are packaged (black eye liner and pouty photos). Just because they are packaged and sold to American youth that way does not mean that their music has no merit. I must raid my friends' cd collections this weekend so that I can put together the best car mix possible.

Heigh Ho Navigator!

I am a good navigator. It makes sense. I like making lists and keeping things organized and helping people. All good qualities for a navigator. My map reading skills are a little rusty (damn you mapquest!), but I'm sure they would suffice if necessary. I think I would like to go a on a drive or road trip only using a map. No computer directions. It wouldn't be totally random, but there would be no computer produced destination. I would like to navigate this trip. I thoroughly enjoy drives when I have good company and good music. Pretty scenery is also helpful. If this were a trip and not just a local drive, I would bring camping gear. This would make the trip even better. I would settle for a spontaneous drive though. I hate when reality crashes into my dreams. Now I can't stop thinking about how impractical a trip with no destination is due to the price of gas. I guess the destination would depend upon the budget for gas. That's lame. Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.

I need a shower

I cannot wait to get back to school and start settling in to my new residence. I keep having strange dreams about it. I dread having to do all that moving in such a short amount of time. I also don't like that I'm going to have to spend a week in chaos before I get everything in its proper place. Hopefully I can get a lot done before school starts.

Thank you to all my friends who called me last night to wish me a happy new year! I felt so loved! Thank you for thinking of me! I had a lame New Year's Eve. I watched a bunch of children at a party until 10pm and got paid for that, then talked with my cousin's wife until we went to bed around 11:30. I was reading in bed when the new year commenced. The only reason I looked up is because I heard fireworks and was confused for a moment. I turned off the light shortly after midnight because I had to be up to watch the kid this morning. It actually wasn't as bad as it sounds because I had no other options. It's not like I have people my age to hang out with down here. I just treated it like any other day and I found that it really didn't matter to me what I was doing. I would have liked to be at my friend's party in Ohio, but since that wasn't possible, I didn't dwell on it.

I need to shower. Who knows when that will happen. It's tough to fit my shower schedule in because I like to shower at the end of the day, but the bathroom is connected to the kid's room and I feel like I'll wake him up. I don't like to get up early to shower so I avoid that. I can't shower after I get up because that's when the kid's parents shower and then they leave and I can't shower while watching the kid. I guess I will have to shower this afternoon when they get home. The baby won't mind that I'm dirty and my hair is a little greasy. I should go pay attention to him now.