A little better

I'm feeling a little better today. I don't feel so sad when I think about him, and I think about him less. I think it was very helpful for me to talk to him yesterday, then to cry about it to my mom. I'm much more calm about it. I don't feel like crying. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I watched Liam for a few hours today. It is really hot out! It's up in the 90's. We went outside and played for about 15 minutes, but that's all we could take. I'm glad I didn't attempt to do the 2.5 mile bike ride to the park. It's well shaded at the park so it wouldn't have been too bad once we got there, but I would have been a sweaty pig from the bike ride. His dad is going to bike him down to the playground later today because his car seat is out of commission for a while. He asked if I wanted to go, and I kind of do because I want to get the exercise and spend time with my cousin, but I can't because I have to go out to my aunt's store tonight to pick out some things for my mom. We get a hefty family discount so it's pretty nice. I think I'll get t-shirts for the boys I watch at home. I've been watching them long enough that I get them little gifts. Tomorrow Liam's mom and I are going kayaking on their friends' private island. It's so beautiful out there. I've never kayaked so I'm nervous that I won't be strong enough. Liam's mom is training for a tri-Athlon so she is strong. I'm sure she realizes that I am not in the best shape though because I've mentioned how I haven't worked out since Christmas break. It should be an interesting, and hopefully, fun experience. I'm looking forward to it. I also may find a beach with people my age on it and sit and read there. Maybe go into the ocean too. That will be tomorrow though. The place I am going to tonight where the store is, Southbeach, has a beach in it so I may bring my book and the chair and my suit in case I feel like staying for a while. Also, today, Liam's mom suggested we have a picnic on the beach this week. Then she asked if I like fried chicken, which I do. So I'm pretty excited about that too. I'm so sad that this is my last week here. Things are so great down here even if I don't have anyone my age to go out with. It doesn't bother me. Eventually I would find some if I knew I was going to be here for a while. Oh well, I must stick to my original commitments.

A phone call

I called him today. I can't stop thinking about him. It's getting pretty rough. I cried to my mother on the phone tonight. It's all coming back. It's like I put my grief on hold for the school year and now I'm picking up where I left off. I have mostly the same feelings that I had at the beginning of the school year. I thought I had made so much progress. Now I have taken a step back. I'm not sure what promted it, but it is really making me hurt. I wailed to my mother that I just want everything to go back to normal. I feel like I have done my time for whatever I may have done wrong and I'm ready for it to be over and things to return to their former state. Maybe I'm just forgetting the crappy things so it's making me hurt because all I can remember are good things. Although, he was so good. That weekend, my cousin said to me, "This would be much easier if you had a reason to hate him, but you just can't because he's so nice." It's so true. I don't want to hate him. I was never angry and I'm still not. I'm just very sad. We talked for about 45 minutes. It was nice to catch up. He answered after the first ring. I wonder if he still wants to be my friend. He never facebook friended me, which seems to trivial, but it really hurt me, it still does. I guess all I can do is continue to communicate and try to be a friend. I'm not ready to see him in a social setting. In a few months I may be able to handle visiting with just him or just him and a few other people, but not at a party or something like that. I don't know. I don't know where all this is coming from.

My heart hurts

For some reason I've been drudging up old memories that are making my heart hurt today. I nearly cried over it, something I haven't done since at least October. I don't know what my deal is. Actually, I do. I had a dream about him last night. He called. I can't believe I'm still being stupid over this. He probably doesn't even think about me at all. He's probably just fine. I think that I think about him every day. Not usually in a sad way, but just because so many of my memories are attached to him since we were constant companions throughout high school. Liam has been sweet. He has been giving me kisses, which always makes me smile. He's so adorable. We watched Finding Nemo this morning, which is his favorite. I love that movie too. It always makes me cry. I just took a break to tickle the baby. I love this kid so much. It's raining today. I was planning on biking to the park and the beach with him today, but now it is too wet. I don't know what we are going to do here. We'll have to run around a lot inside. Liam is done in here so I must run.

Uh Oh!

That is my favorite phrase that Liam says. It is so cute! He runs up to you holding out whatever he has "hurt" (usually he hasn't hurt anything, he just wants you to kiss him) saying "uh oh!" He has many adorable features. I love this kid so much. I can't imagine what it's like with your own kid. Liam doesn't get on my nerves. He is such a good baby. He is 22 months. I take him to the park and the beach every day. He naps every afternoon, sometimes I nap then too. My life is so unstructured. I love it. I live here so I never have to "be at work" I'm just always here. I wish I could do this all summer. They really need me all summer because there is so much going on in this family that is keeping Liam's grandparents out of town, making it so his parents have to work more. The grandparents and parents own and run three of four stores and an embroidery warehouse. They are about to open a new store here soon, creating more work for them. My cousin, R, just had her baby so Liam's grandparents are up there with her and their second grandchild. I cannot wait to see the baby!! I was in R's wedding as the maid of honor last year. I plan on going to see the new baby as much as possible this summer. I hope to be like an aunt to her since I will have no nieces or nephews of my own. I went shopping the other day at the outlet mall. They have a Gap outlet and a Banana Republic Outlet. It was great. I love those stores. I can't shop in regular Banana Republic. There is also an Old Navy near by. I was in heaven. I got almost everything I needed. I realized that I did not get black capri's and shorts which is something I need for working at Woody's this summer. I'll have to go out again to get some. I looked a little for black shorts, but I didn't see much black anywhere. I'll have to look in a department store. Yesterday, I got totally lost in the gated community trying to bike to the beach. I was towing Liam in his little "chariot" behind me. I spent 45 minutes trying to find the beach. It is normally about a 15-20 minute ride. I biked so much that I decided it is no big deal that I have been drinking whole milk every day. I worked all of it off. I took the correct path home. Liam was just fine throughout the whole trip. He sat back there quietly watching the scenery (which was beautiful at times) and drinking his juice. He is finally just about used to me. He doesn't cry when his parents leave anymore. He never cried for very long anyway. Yesterday, his parents left before he got up and got home after he went to bed, so he didn't see them at all yesterday. He was just fine all day. Of course, they are paying for it today because he has been clingy and cranky. He's allowed to be though because it's rough being away from your parents that long at that age. He is such a good kid.

Summer!

As of about 10:30 this morning, my summer has begun!! I get to look forward to reading for pleasure and not having any obligations to fill other than those laid out by my job. This Sunday I am leaving for South Carolina where I will babysit my cousin's two year old son whom I will refer to as Liam. I am so excited! I will be there for three weeks. They have a beach within their gated community which I will be able to ride the bike to. There is a little cart thing that hooks up to the bike that I can put Liam in. I will spend as many days as possible at the beach because it's free and fun. My only concern is that there will be no one to put sunscreen on my back as Liam is too young. I will be the primary babysitter which means more money for me. I love my cousins down there so it will be fun to spend a lot of time with them. I'm just nervous about getting on their nerves. I plan on doing a lot of reading so hopefully that will keep me out of their way. I think Liam goes to playgroups, so I'll have breaks every once in a while. He is such a cutie. I'm kind of nervous about how long it will take him to get used to me. I know the first day will be rough, but hopefully he'll be fully adjusted by the end of next week. Being there while his parents are there at night will probably help the transition. I have tons of books to read while there since I won't have any friends to go out with on the weekends. I'll only be there two weekends so being in won't be too bad. I am planning on catching up on classics this summer. I'm pretty excited about my reading ambitions. It is going to be so wonderful to be able to go read on the beach at my leisure, provided I bring the baby. I am going to try to get up early enough to get some good shells at least one day while I'm there. The only thing that would stop me is if my cousin didn't want me to go out by myself. I know that the beach at night is a dangerous place, but I don't know about the early morning. I'll find out. If I don't get any nice shells it won't be a big deal, because I don't know what I would do with them. I'll figure something out if I do collect any. Maybe I'll try to find two really cool ones to bring back for the boys. They would love that, and it would be a free gift. I don't plan on buying them anything, but now that I think about it maybe I should. I get a 40% discount at my aunt's clothing store, so maybe I'll buy each of them a shirt. I can't wait to go. I'm driving it all in one day this Sunday. I'm nervous about driving through the mountains. It is going to be such a long day. I plan on leaving at 8:00 AM so I should get there around 9 or 10 depending on how often and how long I stop. I want to bring my lunch and dinner in a cooler so I don't have to buy stuff along the way. Peanut butter sandwich and chips will do. That way I only have to stop for gas and to go to the bathroom. I have lots of books on tape to occupy my mind for the trip. I also threw together 4 mix cd's in an hour yesterday for the trip. I didn't have time to make them fit together nicely, but what I have will do. I'll probably have the CD player on random when I do have it on so the order of the songs on the CDs won't matter. Hopefully the drive will be uneventful.